I was already feeling pretty good today.. especially because i had a nap =) Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better my mother calls me up just to say, “EBONE! EBONE!” what?! “I just had to let you know that i’m SO proud of you.” oh, what? Really? “Yes. I think that you’ve made an excellent decision. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve decided what to do with your life. You will be amazing. I’ll make sure of it. I’m gonna start praying right after we hang up.”

EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. I’ve never had anyone in my life call me up to tell me they’re proud of me. Yeah, my parents will mention it every once in a while.. But only after i’ve told them I wasn’t feeling satisfactory. So I always felt they’ve only said it because now they feel obligated.

But right now? Today? My heart.. my heart feels.. warm.

Hold Me
Lay Your Head Lowly
Softly Then Boldly
Carry Me There

Lead Me
Love Me And Feed Me
Kiss Me And Free Me
I Will Feel Blessed

Carry
Carry Me Boldly
Lift Me Up Slowly
Carry Me There

Save Me
Heal Me And Bathe Me
Softly You Say To Me
I Will Be There

Lift Me
Lift Me Up Slowly
Carry Me Boldly
Show Me You Care

Hold Me
Lay Your Head Lowly
Softly Then Boldly
Carry Me There

Need Me
Love Me And Feed Me
Kiss Me And Free Me
I Will Feel Blessed

I’ve been sleeping on and off all day. And i’m still tired. Too much has been happening over the past week. Too much to write, that is. Well anywho.. Lou (my nephew who happens to be a few months younger than me) calls me about 2hrs. ago telling me ‘a little birdie told him’ that *SHE* likes me. UM OK WAAAT? For one, she just broke up with her BF not even a month ago. For two, last thing i heard she still had some feelings for my nephew. And three, WHAT?!!

I’m flattered, really. But why? To be honest it’s sweet but strange. Especially because i JUST met her. I’ve only known this girl since the second month of school- September through November. ONLY THREE MONTHS! Hahahaha it’s cool though. I don’t really mind. She’s a nice girl and all but i think i’d rather just be friends (: Well, for now…BUM BUM BUUUUUM! Just kidding, but seriously.. just friends.

-Jordyn P.

So I was thinking about when the next school break is and Thanksgiving break is about a week or so away.. I hate thanksgiving. It’s total BS. Our family is not the same. I don’t hate it but i definitely hate that we all know we’re only here because we feel obligated. Mainly we just want some damn food that we didn’t have to cook. But on the bright side, at least my brothers coming down to visit us =) I miss him! I want an ‘I HEART (state/city)’ shirt hahaha

…sometimes i think i’m overdoing it just a little.

I’m giving this my all, but I still feel that my all isn’t enough.

You had a pathetic need. You knew I was in a vulnerable position, it was almost like you could smell it in the air. Instead of helping me- or even better, leaving me the fuck alone YOU decided to play God and took advantage. I was paralyzed; numb; completely frozen. My soul was shattered. Thanks to you it’s hard to fully enjoy anything. For a long time i didn’t even know how to love anyone or anything for that matter. I was deathly afraid of intimacy with anyone. I was afraid to be hurt. Afraid that if i even breathed a word of defense I would be torn down. So instead I became submissive; passive; a doormat; A LITTLE GIRL. Weak. Lost. Confused. For years I have been screaming with my hand over my mouth.

Let me be the first to tell you GAME OVER.

I am from this point on giving everything in me that I have left into the efforts of rising up. I WILL stand on my own two feet. I WILL have a future. I refuse to live a double life of “smiling for the cameras.” No fucking way. I used to push myself so hard to be the most happiest and lovable person anyone knew. But when no one was watching Id fall apart.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m going to live my life. Those days, I thought I would drop dead. There were times I seriously considered taking my own life regardless of who it would hurt. GUESS WHAT, i’m still here. I’m still alive so God must have something planned for me. There’s gotta be some reason why he never let me go too far. And i’m going to do whatever I must do in order to find that purpose and fulfill it. You may have ruined that time period in my life, stripped me of my being, tormented me- but i’m still here. I’m rebuilding myself and i’m going to stand strong.

Thanks. I can only hope that your daughter meets a wonderful man such as yourself.

YAYYY!!! Mommy and me are gonna go see that today. I’m gonna walk to the theater and meet up with her and after we’re going to look for a good winter coat. Cus I HATE THE RAIN and it’s gonna start soon =/. ANYWAYS, then i’m babysitting Devynn (: Wii Fit here i come ahhaha jk jk.

So i cut my hair last night, mhmmm. I bet you wanna see huh? Too bad you’ll have to wait! Pictures later, maybe.. If i don’t forget..

Yeah so my dad’s a pastor, has been my whole life. He and my mother have forced me into…. okay not exactly forced- but it was definitely required to go to church all the time. Long story short; when i was young it was w/e.. As i got older i hated it and only went to talk to friends. Also i was made fun of, judged, patronized, avoided, and bullied because of it.

I haven’t been to church in a little over 8 months. I haven’t tried talking to God in who knows how long. I just recently started to again because of i was terrified that i was gonna relapse. I don’t do it often.. but when i do it makes a difference. A small one, but a difference indeed.

No one on the face of this earth will ever right all their wrongs. No one will ever be the perfect picture of anything. Everyone has their own mountains they’re trying to move and inner demons they need to fight. I still do, and i’m still struggling with many of my issues BUT- I can say with an honest heart that I hate myself less nowadays..

Well, sometimes. It depends if its consensual. Like my mommy, i lovelovelove when i lay my head in her lap and she plays with my hair. Oh my, talk about relaxation. It’s like a bonding thing y’know? Last night i was at her place and she was playing in my hair for about a good hour or so. I literally watched my childhood in my mind’s eye. I felt like somehow i was 7 years old again and the world was irrelevant. ^______^

On the surface, i’m feeling really good. Still uncomfortable at times but good for the most part. I’ve been singing so much lately! Idek what it is. Usually i’m way too shy; like i’m gonna puke shy. But i think that’s what’s giving me a little bit of a confidence boost. When you sing- the whole world stops. I feel like i’m in whatever situation that the song speaks on. It’s an amazing rush and it keeps me in a good place.

I should be getting my Eng11 essay out the way but instead i’m watching Degrassi…

Well, not completely. Just upset really. I guess you can say somber. Maybe i’m just too wrapped up in everything. I need time. Time to myself- WITHOUT HOMEWORK. Or chores. And phone calls. I haaaaate when your trying to center yourself and your mom calls telling you to take meat out of the freezer.

Anyway, I need ‘me time.’